This is one of the oldest clichés about dating. It is usually uttered by ‘nice guys’ who, finding themselves in the ‘friendzone’ (more about that in a minute) or completely ignored, feel that this has to be the reason why the girl of their dreams (or just any old girl really) won’t give them a second look.
Whether or not this is true really depends on your definition of what ‘being nice’ is.
There are, undoubtedly, women who do like bad boys. I know this professionally from some of the women that I have had as clients over the years. Women who have an abusive partner often find it difficult to leave them. When they do, it’s pretty common for them to hook up with someone just as bad within a week or so. Some of them are attractive, reasonably intelligent women.
At the less extreme end of the scale are women who would not tolerate a man abusing her but who like the thrill from dating a man who is a bit edgy. The trade-off for him not being husband/father material is that it is exciting. The sex is probably great and passionate in a ‘fucking on the kitchen table’ sort of way.
On the whole though, most women don’t have the energy required to keep up with the somewhat chaotic lifestyle that a bad boy brings. It’s a nice idea but really, who can keep that up indefinitely?
Most women, when asked, will say that they are looking for a ‘nice guy’. As we know, however, what women say and what they actually mean are often two different things. If you are having trouble in this area, especially if you are getting people telling you that you are ‘too nice’ then the likely reason is that your concept of what ‘nice’ is does not tally with hers.
If you are the guy who always carries her bags when she wants to go shopping, makes yourself available for her whenever she wants, picks her up late at night to take her home after she has been out with her girlfriends (no doubt hoping that she will drunkenly fall into your arms and invite you in for coffee) just to receive a peck on the cheek for your trouble, then you are not being a nice guy. You, my friend, are being a pussy
This is not what she wants from a boyfriend (whatever she might think). You have just achieved a touchdown (something to do with American football I believe) in the dreaded ‘Friend-zone’.
You need to know what the friend-zone is and why it is your behaviour that is putting you there. Yes, you read that right. If you keep being friend-zoned it’s because of what you are doing.
The first thing to know is that if you are in the friend-zone with a particular girl, you are not getting out of it anytime soon, if ever. If you start acting differently with her she will just think you are being weird and will probably want to hang out with you less than before, which is, actually, fine. If you are in the zone with a certain girl, best stop pining after her, accept the position and look forward to new (and better opportunities).
If you are in the friend-zone with a girl, she basically doesn’t see you as a sexual object at all.
The reason this happens is that women compartmentalise men quite quickly. If you are a potential boyfriend or lover she will look for confirmation of this within the first date or two. This is entirely down to you. If you are being terribly ‘nice’ and not making any moves to convey that you are sexually interested she will compartmentalise you as a ‘friend’. You’re then in the lobsterpot of friend-zone and, as any lobster will tell you, lobsterpots are a bitch to get out of.
You shouldn’t be a sleazy douchebag, of course, but she will be looking for signs that you are interested in her sexually, not just carrying her shopping bags. That doesn’t mean you should be grabbing her arse at the first opportunity but you need to convey to her the following:
- You have a life and the fact that you are on a date with her is nice but not a huge deal for you
- You are not needy
- You find her sexually attractive and would like to get physical (what the pick-up artists call ‘escalation’)
The good news is that your potential squeeze probably does, in fact, want a nice guy. She does want him to have a backbone though and almost certainly does want to feel that he would take her, vigorously, over her kitchen table from time to time.
If you are not moving in for a kiss by, at the latest, the end of a second date you are, in effect, communicating that you are not attracted to her. When I say kiss, I’m not talking about a little peck on the cheek. If you’ve played it right she should be giving you the green light to move in. if you do make the move and she offers you her cheek then you’ve misread the cues and, in truth, she’s probably not interested in you, in that way.
Don’t be too nice is the message here. Be a gentleman but let her know that you don’t need another friend, you want a lover. Do it properly and you should avoid the friend-zone.
Girls don’t just want bastards, but they don’t want a doormat either.