I’m not entirely sure who my target audience is for this post.. but here goes anyway.
An older, experienced man should not need to be told this stuff so I guess this is aimed at the younger male reader who has had his primary experience of sex to date through porn. That hypothetical reader is, however, more likely to be beating himself off to some free online porn than reading this. Unfortunately though, this stuff does need to be said. A whole generation is growing up thinking that porn is real life. Girls seem to think that they have to parade themselves around like a piece of meat so that boys will like them and boys (and wealthy movie moguls) think that casual sexual harassment and worse is acceptable. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about here where the hell have you been recently??!
Parents are pretty much powerless to stop their kids from seeing all kinds of shit online which older generations would barely have been aware of as teenagers.
This is worrying stuff folks. My kids are grown up (sort of) now but I knew a few years ago that there was nothing I could do to stop them seeing stuff online. It doesnt matter what parental controls you put in place at home – as soon as they get to school some other kid has got pictures and videos on their phone. Children are sending pictures of themselves to other children which then get shared god knows where.
When I was in my teens and my hormones were running riot there was no internet. A few dog eared copies of ‘Men Only’ magazine was as far as my porn collection went. All extremely tame by todays standards. The upshot of this is that we didn’t grow up with huge exposure to porn before actually getting to grips with a real woman. Contrast that to today. If you are in your mid-teens, say, and have a healthy interest in sex there is a good chance that you will have watched hundreds of hours of porn before you actually manage to get your trembling fingers inside a real girl’s undergarments.
The key thing I want to share here, for that hypothetical teenage boy reading this, is that real sex is hardly ever like porn. Not consistently, anyway.
Let me, therefore, share a few realities with you which may conflict with what you might have come to believe if you are an enthusiastic consumer of porn. Now, I’m certainly no Warren Beatty but I have a little real life experience and this is what I have learned and now am happy to share. As the Americans say “your mileage may vary” but, to be honest, I’m not sure I’d believe you if you were to say that your mileage varied considerably from these points (unless you are, in fact, a porn star yourself):
• Most women will not spend the whole sexual experience sucking their breath through their teeth whilst alternately shouting “yeah – fuck dat ass”.
• The most ridiculously miss-represented sexual act in porn is fellatio. Women will not spit on your penis before jamming it down their throat like a deranged sword-swallower until they retch and their mascara runs down their cheeks.
• Women (and men for that matter) don’t all like the same thing. Don’t assume. Ask.
• Things you see all the time in porn which women will almost never want to do include: sticking your cock in their mouth after it has been in their bottom; you pulling out at the crucial moment to shuffle around and come on their waiting tongue; and slapping their breasts/face etc. You can probably work out others to add to this list without my help. Bear in mind that porn movies and pictures are staged and scripted. There is a lot of stuff which is there for effect. A good example of this is the positions which the ‘actors’ adopt. They are chosen so that the viewer can see all of the key bits in action. These are not usually the most fulfilling positions in real life. Take the ‘reverse cowgirl’ for example. You’ll see it in most porn scenes but nobody ever claimed it was their favourite position in real life.
• One thing which porn has got partly right is that women are generally more open to the idea of a same sex encounter than men are, even if they would describe themselves as straight, but unless she raises the topic herself, it’s none of your bloody business.
• A high proportion of women are not body confident. This is not the place to debate whether it is the unrealistic expectations which modern media representations of the ideal female form to blame for this, I simply present it as a fact. And it is a terrible shame. Even women with bodies like a swimwear model will immediately be able to identify some part of themselves that they would like to change.
In porn, womens orgasms are not generally treated as being very important. You get the all important ‘cum shot’ when the man finishes but what about the woman? In reality, women vary widely in their response. Some will orgasm over and over with very little stimulus. For every women like this, there are others who will make you work hard to get them to a single orgasm (and woe betide you if you come before she has..). Many more seem to fall somewhere between the two extremes.
What you might have deduced from this is that women are individuals. Porn is not wrong in itself but where it is a problem is that it does depersonalise the sex act and sets up expectations which, if you don’t know any better, are not reasonable.
Look – if you are a man who is expecting to treat women the way that you routinely see portrayed in porn films you are going to be disappointed. You are also, my friend, a complete arsehole. Don’t be that guy.